i'm sorry i forget to sugar coat things sometimes. they sound like great things to say in my head, but when they come out of my mouth they're cold and harsh instead of patient and understanding. someday i will perfect the art of consoling and when you cry, i'll be able to tell you "it's okay" and sound like i mean it. i suppose that'll be the end of me being myself, when i get so good at lying that people won't know when i'm scared or annoyed or tired or happy or sad. but it's so much easier to lie about it. would you really be my friend if my eyes didn't meet yours or if i fell asleep when you talked?
let's go back in time.
i'm also sorry about being so jealous of you. it's only because i miss the days when we could wear long socks and our hair in ponytails every day and cry without sheilding our eyes when we watched the lion king. i miss worrying more about you getting stepped on by a dinosaur than worrying that you'll get pregnant. let's go back to when we were little and shoved rocks up other people's noses and were friends with boys and then not friends with boys because we discovered cooties and then friends with boys and then being scared of boys because we knew they could do horrible things to us and then being friends or more with boys because we were willing to have them do that to us.
and i miss you the most. i think about you everyday and wish everyday that i had your number and i know you have mine somewhere, or your stepsisters do and if you ask them for it you would call me and ask how high school is and if i have a boyfriend and how tall i am and have i lost weight and what color are my eyes again? and most of all i want to ask you if your hair is just as curly as i remember and if you still miss your sister and if your mom has gotten less protective and if you've seen all of moulin rouge and if you haven't can you come over to see it and maybe we could catch up and i could tell you all about my life and you could tell me all about yours?
i miss having someone that could make me laugh so hard i cried on a daily basis.
i miss you so much.
ps. i go by betty now, but you can call me pisachio or whatever you want, as long as you call.